लगता है कविता रूठ गयी है मुझसे- In conversation with poetry

कल जब कविता की डोर पे दिल के भाव सुखाने चली
अस्पष्ट अभिव्यक्तिओं की खींचतान में वो डोर उलझ गयी
और ज़ोर डाला; एक पंक्ति लगाने की उम्मीद से
कुछ हलके सस्ते शब्दों के भारी बोझ से वो अंततः टूट गयी

लगता है कविता रूठ गयी है मुझसे

कहा उसने
ख़ुद को कितने रंगों में ढालोगी तुम
हर रंग में ढलके ख़ुदका रंग तो न भूल जाओगी
अब तो जैसे काले रंग में तुम्हारी आत्मा होने लगी है गुम

लगता है कविता रूठ गयी है मुझसे

पूछा मैंने
कविता, कहाँ हुई चूक मुझसे
मैंने सुना था पढ़ा था
सूरज की रौशनी जो टूटती है; बिखरती है सात रंगों में
गर समेट लूं मैं भी उन्हें स्वयं में; जब टूटूंगी रौशनी बिखरेगी जग में

लगता है कविता रूठ गयी है मुझसे

इस सीधे से प्रश्न के उत्तर में एक आइना थमा दिया
कहा मुझसे, "देख स्वयं को और बता क्या दिखाई दिया"
कहा, "सूरज अब भी सूरज है, क्या तू अब भी तू है ?
सूरज खुद ही रंगों का स्रोत, तुने ली उधार की रंगत
दुनिया के रंग तुझमे प्रतिफलित हैं मात्र, गिरते पड़ते संभाल रही है उन्हें दोनों हाथों से
इसके अलावा तेरे अपने हर भाव, हर कृति से खाली तेरे हाथ
टूट के बिखरेगी जब तू; अफ़सोस का धुआं होगा, असफलता के टुकड़े
अब भी समय है, झाँक अपने अन्दर
सात रंग तेरे अपने साबूत हैं
तेरे रक्त की पीड़ा लाल, तेरे रक्त का तेजस्वी उफान नारंगी
तेरे मन में चंचल हरा बचपना, तेरी बंद आँखों में विश्वास की पीली गर्मी
तेरे मन में प्यार के घनी नीली शाम,  तेरे सपनों में मन का काग़ज़ नीला
उसपे उकेरे तेरे सपने, तेरे दृढ निश्चय बैंगनी
आत्मविश्वास की कलम डुबो इनमे फिर लिख जो लिखना है
फिर तेरी महक आएगी मुझसे; फिर नहीं रूठूंगी मैं तुझसे.



For friends who are uncomfortable with the Hindi script :

kal jab kavita ki dor pe dil ke bhaav sukhane chali
aspasht abhiwyaktiyon ki khinchtan me wo dor ulajh gayi
aur zor daala ek pankti lagane ki ummeed se
kuch halje saste shabdon ke bhaari bojh se antath wo toot gayi

lagta hai kavita rooth gayi hai mujhse

kaha usne
"khud ko kitne rangon me dhaalogi tum ?
har rang me dhalke khud ka rang to na bhool jaogi
ab to jaise kaale rang me tumhari aatma hone lagi hai gum"

lagta hai kavita rooth gayi hai mujhse

poochha maine
kavita, kahan hui chook mujhse
maine suna tha padha tha
suraj ki roshni jo tootati hai; bikharti hai saat rangon me
gar samet loon main bhi unhe swayam me; jab tootungi roshni bikhregi jag me

lagta hai kavita rooth gayi hai mujhse


Is seedhe se prashn ke uttar me ek aaina thama diya
Kaha mujhse, " dekh swayam ko aur bata kya dikhayi diya ?"
kaha, " suraj ab bhi suraj hai' kya tu ab bhi tu hai?
suraj khud hi rangon ka srot; tune li udhar ki rangat
duniya ke rang tujhme pratifalit hain matr, girte padte sambhaal rahi hai unhe dono haathon se
iske alawa tere har bhav, har kriti se khaali tere haath
toot ke bikhregi jab too; afsos ka dhuan hoga, asafalta ke tukde
ab bhi samay hai jhaank apne andar
saat rang tere apne saboot hain
tere raqt ki peeda laal, tere raqt ka tejaswi ufaan narangi
tere man me chanchal hara bachpana, teri band ankhon me vishwaas ki peeli garmi
tere man me pyar ki ghani neeli shaam, tere sapnon me man ka kaghaz neela
uspe ukere tere sapne, tere dridh nishchaya baingni
atma vishwas ki kalam dubo inme fir likh jo likhna hai
fir teri mehak aayegi mujhse; fir main nahin roothungi tujhse

Empty Victory

 

 

 

It doesn't feel rewarding to be right when you are wrong

 

  

 

: This is a feeling that came to my heart after winning an argument with someone really close to my heart.

So hard to let go; harder still to keep

It was hard to keep and harder to let go;
So I kept

And then........

It became hard to let go and harder to keep.

So I let go.... and so on

And then did the vicious circle ensue .....

Now what..... ?????

चलो अपने मन के अँधेरे कोने में सबसे पहला दिया जलाएं -Let's light the first lamp of Diwali within our selves

चलो अपने मन के अँधेरे कोने में सबसे पहला दिया जलाएं 

तमस वहां का विदा करें ;
जब अन्दर होगा प्रकाश,
तो वो शक्ति होगी हमारी मुस्कान में, वाणी में
के जब भी कोई जीवन छुएं हम
बस वो जीवन महकाएं 

चलो अपने मन के अँधेरे कोने में सबसे पहला दिया जलाएं


For friends who are not comfortable with the Hindi Script:


Chalo apne man ke andhere kone me sabse pahla diya jalayein
tamas wahan ka vida karein;
jab andar hoga prakash;
to wo shakti hogi hamari muskaan me, vaani me,
ke jab bhi koi jeevan chhuein hum,
bas wo jeevan mehkayein.

Chalo apne man ke andhere kone me sabse pahla diya jalayein :)

Note : Translation- Let's light the first lamp of Diwali within our selves. Let's throw out the darkness from within. When there will be light within us, there would be so much power in our smile and words, that we can fill with fragrance all the lives that we touch

Lover - the kite

Love as it stands today, seems to be like some affair which calls for the skills of kite flying. You use your brains, to let the thread loose at the right time and pull it tight at some other. Neither loose enough to let it fly away and slip through your fingers, nor too tight lest it snaps.

Can't we do without the threads and the maneuvering.

It is not the love I know; or had dreamt of as a growing teenager.

Is it worth it?

I would rather let the thread snap or slip through my fingers, if there has to be a thread at all

The sea

Standing at the sea shore, facing it I wonder, it is so much similar to living... this standing at the shore.


Only the person who stands through small and big waves, breezes and wild, strong winds; getting his feet buried deeper in the sand all the while, can see the hopes in the optimistic, wonderful morning... okay may be a hard sun but nonetheless a bright sun, the romantic evening, the intelligent evening, the dark night, the cold night, the starry night, the night full of dreams, the inspiring, hinting, promising moon.


The one who walks away misses out on all of these.




Note: This is something I had written in 2004. Pardon the dreamyness.

The Moves

He tried to push into her heart a false sense of possession; so as to make her have something to loose. He was afraid of her strength. She was strong as she had nothing to loose.

No ! She did not take the bait.

Waiting for deliverance

She keeps laughing, creating waves, like the blinding lightening lest someone should see see her misty eyes n ask the reason.........."why?"


She keeps chatting, throwing words like the cover firearms, so that the sounds of her sobbing heart could pass lest someone should intercept her soul and ask the reason............"why?"


No, she is not afraid.
She can answer all "why's".
But she won't lest all her answers, her misty eyes, her sobbing heart should fall in the swamp of counter accusations, soiled, sink deeper, pulled by the dirt within, lost......


She chooses to strain her muscles to create the perfect, natural sounding laughter.


She chooses to strain her brains to think of words to say.


So that,


In that cocoon her eyes n heart can live to see a day when she can drop her guard and let her eyes be seen shining, and her heart be heard laughing, in a world, on a day, where and when it would be possible.


Till then her lips would laugh
Till then her mouth will talk.


Don't complain why both sound strained...she can't help it.


But one day you will hear a softer laugh, may be a quite sob and muffled whispers, but they would be lighter, brighter, freer. They would sheathe deliverance :)

Something lingers on

Something lingers on twixt you n me. You came to my life as the first rain on parched earth. You seeped within and lent me that intoxicating aroma.That's something that lingers on twixt you n me. I called you the wind. By no ties could you be held. You touched me with the winters of my life and I stood frozen in the moment, in which your vision my eyes still held. That's something that lingers on twixt you n me
I said you are mine if to me you come back of your own accord. N to me did you come for the record. But like the breath of wine, our dialogues remind me of the past intoxicating. When reality stares with an empty gape. That's something that lingers on twixt you n me.

Stabbed

Love yourself
You are lovable
So I was told
I started loving myself
Left all strings I started loving myself
A constant echo walking behind me
You are worth it
Yes you can do it
I am ecstatic
I am almost smiling
Almost beginning to laugh
Suddenly my cheeks feel too tight for my smile
I am feeling light
Lighter
I find my heels raised
I find my hands uplifted
I find my chest elevated
Full with the complete breath of satisfaction
My head raised
My eyelids raised
My eyes shining
My throat seeping in the newness of the air
I am about to fly

Suddenly

A pain in my chest
My hands fend for my heart
My heels drop
My knees break
My face kissing the ground
I strain my ears for the echo behind
It's past
Can't recall when I heard it last
No none's behind
I grope for a friendly hand on my back
It's not there
I am not being followed any more
I see my hands, gore with blood
Behind my back I've been stabbed




Note: Pure fiction :). Just a flight of my mind

सदा (The call)

गुरूर के नशे में चूर
सजा याफ्ता तुम भी हम भी
दूर चमकता कुर्बत का सूरज
दूरियों के दरिया के किनारे तुम भी हम भी
रंजिश की आह ही सही
कोई शोर मचे
दिल से निकले जो आवाज़
इश्क की सदा बन जाती है
सुनने को बेताब तुम भी हम भी



Note: From my diary.

What's life ?

What's Life


A sunny winter morning
A musical folk night in desert
A lazy summer afternoon
A child's face warm and bright
Roaring happy family luncheon
Waiting for a colourful evening
A spark in someone's eyes

Or

A night of winter cold and dark
A deserted afternoon in desert
A day out, in summer, scorching, punishing and hard
A child wailing with empty stomach
A familiar face red angry and bitter
The exhaust from a departing vehicle
The night after some one has left forever

Or

It is a mixture
of warm nights and frozen days
of mirage and river
of loud sobs and peaceful laughter
of meetings and departures

Or

Is it a dream village of ever changing skies
which will soon be forgotten
When we open our eyes


? ? ?



Note: This is something I had written when I was 17. Lost it, tried to remeber and recreated it on 27 Aug' 2009. Thought of sharing it on this page today

Image from - http://vi.sualize.us/

रिहायी

बस इतना कह के मैं नहीं तेरी मंजिल
और मौत की राह पे छोड़ दे
फिर ये न कह कि मैं पसंद भी हूँ तुझे
कि फिर न जीते बने न मरते

पूरी उम्र एक अफ़सोस में गुज़रे
के ये किस कमी के साथ आये थे हम
न मिला आसमान न ज़मीन के हुए
मिली बस निगाहों में नमीं और एक खूबसूरत ग़म

ख्वाबों से भरी उन मीठी बातों से
ये ख़ामोशी अच्छी
गुर्बत के बादलों तले मुलाक़ात से
ये दूरी अच्छी

For guests not comfortable with the Hindi script:-

Rihayi


Bas itna keh ki main nahi teri manzil
Aur mout ki raah pe chhod de
Fir ye na keh ki main pasand bhi hoon tujhe
Ke fir na jeete bane na maarte

Poori umr ek afsos me guzre
Ke ye kis kami ke saath aaye the hum
Na mila aasman na zameen ke hue
Mili bs nigahon me nami aur ek khoobsurat gham

Khwabon se bhari un mithi baton se
Ye khamoshi achhi
Gurbat ke badlon tale mulaqat se
Ye doori achhi


Note: From my diary

सुकूँ की तलाश... ( In search of relaxation)

इतने सपने भर  लिए आँखों में
मुरझाये सपनों की भीड़ के परे
अँधेरे के सिवा कुछ दिखता नहीं

बचपन की याद
जैसे कहीं दूर पड़ रही बारिश का धुंधलका
बहुत कोशिश की पर किसी
बिसरे सपने की परछाई जितना भी दिखता नहीं

सुकूँ की नींद
जैसे गर्मियों की बारिश में ओलों का तोहफा
हज़ारों मोती आँखों के लुटाये; एक झपक की उम्र जितना भी कहीं बिकता नहीं


For guests who are not comfortable with the Hindi script :

Itne sapne bhar liye ankhon me
murjhaye sapnon ki bheed ke pare
andhere ke siva kuch dikhta nahin

Bachpan ki yaad
Jaise kahin door pad rahi barish ka dhundhalka
Bahut koshish ki par kisi bisre sapne ki parchhayi jitna bhi dikhta nahin

Sukoon ki neend
Jaise garmiyon ki barish me olon ka tohfa
Hazaron moti aaknhon ke lutaye; ek jhapak ki umr jitna bhi kahin bikta nahi

The translation:

Had filled my eyes with dreams thus
There is nothing I can see, beyond
the dead dreams, their crowd and silent chaos

The memories of child hood
Like the haze of rains in lands out of reach
Hard I tried; can't see as clear as even a forgotton dream

A relieved slumber
Like the gift of hailstones in April Showers
Spent thousand of pearls from my eyes; could not buy a little that would last the span of a bat of my eyelids

Oh Dear !

The way you love(d) me,
I don't know if you still

Don't want to know if you don't

Your love dazzled me,

and I was and am not able to see

If I loved you the same or not

It was so easy to fall in love with the way you love

I love the fact that you love(d) me

So much, I could not tell

What I loved more

You or the fact that you love me

If it's the former, it's bliss and it's glee

If the latter, it's still heaven for me

But what about you?

I did not want you to issue

an emotional blank cheque for me

Let me love n stay quiet about it

Liberated I want to be, just let me be
To love n stay quiet about it, please let me
I tried touching my dreams with my fingers once
Only broken pieces of a beautiful picture were left with me


I don't expect a confirmation or reassurance
Neither can I give it
Let me love the way I love it
Cause love is what I love and by your definition I mean it


I remember the time as a teen
I was in love with the idea of being in love
Want to be able to reach that state of bliss up above
When,not the person, its own means and end is itself, only love

Lost the keys

In matters of heart


When I used my brains; I found myself making a mess of it.
When I used my heart; I hurt myself and the one person least intended to be hurt
When I went by impulse; I hurt everyone and was left with a writhing pain
When I went by advice; I kept trying to undo my actions for the rest of the time afterwards
When I used words; I paid for all the lines I said and everything read inbetween
When I used silence; I was misunderstood for everything unsaid
My actions cut and bled hearts
My inactions suffocated hearts

Memories

And memories trickling like drops from leaves hours after the rain has stopped.........

Love

Love a flower. Once touched it remains like the fragrance of a flower on our fingers and in our senses long after we have lost the flower. We want to hold the flower and see it as it was when we plucked it.... but is bound to dry if forgotten in some closed chapter in the book of life, to get destroyed if thrown on the streets, and to loose it's colour and form if held too tightly in our hands if and when we have forgotten that what we are holding is a flower to be held delicately with the right grip, not to be taken for granted for a single moment.

Just stopped by .....in life

Sometimes you look around and see so many silent fighters ... people fighting to hold their family together... fighting to make someone hold on to life...fighting to hold on to their convictions and their own moral code... that's when you feel I can still give some more ... I still have n extra few hundred miles left in me... salute to all such people :)

Love me when I deserve

I can take love only as love
You may say it is not alms
You may say it is not pity
But try saying that to a broke whom you've gifted a blanket
and who has no one in the city

It feels like being a mirror
to reflect greatness
It feels being a carcass and
still being treated like an exotic breed
in the perception of the admirer there seems to be an error

I can't call it something I deserve
I understand the language where
I eat only when I can pay
I chose to die of chill can't die in the blanket of generosity
It's only a dried flower whose fragrance you so preserve

I will exercise my right to choose
The day I am on my feet again
The day I can face the sun and smile and say
There are no more shadows shackling me
I can be the fountain of joy, with the streams of happiness let loose

I wanted it to be over......

Your love was like a sea
Sometimes the waves touched me sometimes they did not


I wanted it to be over.....


Sometimes you approached me
Sometimes you receded
Sometimes you pushed me
Sometimes you pulled


I wanted it to be over.....


You caused the shore sands to hold me
not tight enough to help me hold out
not loose enough to let me give in


I wanted it to be over......


Neither you let me drench fully
Nor let me stay dry


I wanted it to be over.....


You kept making me make sand houses
You kept breaking them


I wanted it to be over....


I wanted a finale
either I had to be in you and be you
or I had to dry off n vanish

I am here to stay

Life goes on. I will not retract from life. I will live on. I could ask a lot of valid questions and keep myself happy, in the inability of the addressee to answer, in that one moment of victory. But what will it
give me, d truth will remain truth. And d truth is life is within me, not in wat perception someone has about me. One has to be happy by being happy....not by wondering if someone wants you to be happy or not....

The Mirage

Every time I know it's a mirage, I still go after it n just wen I am about to find out d truth I decide to walk back n not look. Wen I look back at the desert I decide the mirage was better. At least it held hope. I walk again towards the same mirage and repeat everything.Now I've spent so long a time pursuing the mirage that it has become my reality. I can't walk without the mirage in front of me...teasing me....

Afraid of the Mirror

Writing, coz I just had to write something, anything. I feel like shouting, cause the hissing in my mind is deafening. And I have to silence it. Why it can't be the same ever again.... one way or the other.
I am great at convincing people about things even I am not convinced about, one day I ended up convincing myself of certain facts. But I am trapped like a spider in my own web. I don't know what is the truth within me. That what I've convinced me or something else.
GOD I AM SO GOOD AT CONVINCING.
I just want to stop speaking to myself, I am not able to think clearly in my presence. I am my own enemy. God help me stay away from me. Stop the endless rain of words in my mind....please stop it...it's torture..... I want some silence. I want some rest.... take me...take me... to your island or palace of clouds whatever it is... I want to rest.
This is not what I wanted ever.
Please make me dumb

Education For The Sake Of Education

When I open any newspaper I get to see….the names of top rankers …the percentages , the scores, the ranks, names of big institutes and then the name of the coaching institutes…. Education seems like a big contest… the top rankers like the show stoppers of a fashion parade….. a student who misses the elite group feels like all his/her hard work was in vain if it could not help him /her make it to the elite list regardless of the percentages he has scored…. And there are parents and teachers who list out everything that they have done to reach this day….as if it was the Judgement day….the last day on earth and the first day before God… we see children being showed off as trophies or a very expensive accessory or a race horse of a very respectable breed.

We witness this every year, do we ever hear of these students afterwards…what became of them what courses did they actually pursue….did they serve education further. And while celebrating their feats we had forgotten those children who are differently skilled…but still managed to secure pass marks or even a first class… that moment was once in a lifetime for them also……. This can mean that we respect education before everything else…. We hold it superior…

But if that is so why do we see so many education factories…. The ones that guarantee that they can make the kid crack the entrances….and all that we see being done in these factories is children giving endless exams to practice the possible questions…. They do sample papers …the previous years’questions….. they solve and resolve the same questions 10 times over … they keep looking for question banks … the mantra the more number of questions one solves the maximum number of times the more his chances of cracking the exam…. and they are proved right …. cause similar questions are seen in exams… student solve it get it by heart …do whatever they can … with or without getting the essence or purpose or utility or relevance of the particular problem or question……

What is happening is … if we consider knowledge as a sugar cane … what is happening today is… the cane that has been already crushed is sweetened with artificial sugar…and given to the student as a task to extract the sugar… he does it … is appreciated … pushed up a rung… the same extracted by him is reused to sweeten the same used up cane … and given to the next student and so on…. It is like a dummy war…. it is like giving a kid a bicycle with two extra support tyres for balance and clapping when he rides it… as if he has actually mastered the balancing act….

We are witnesses to this ….. the essence or purpose of education is lost … it is only about who can reproduce what has already been repeated 100 times over in previous papers … nothing new is being achieved .. no new problems are being solved…. Education is an accessory you get the more expensive model if you can afford it… you can get the top ranks if you get the top coaching institutes and you should be really happy you are able to just clear the papers without the coaching if you are really good. Why even we have accepted it… don’t we see read in news papers….”so and so student with poor back ground could clear the papers at four thousand and some ranks .. and that’s some feat considering that he did not have expensive coaching classes…”. There we have said it.

I just hope we can slow down this mad race… bring back education to where it belongs … not a commodity .. not an attribute that can give you newspaper coverage…. not a show piece to show off in social circles.. …not a rehearsed farce… not chewed chewing gum …sweetened and chewed ..many times over ….